Night time on a plain.
We all hope to see ourselves with someone
To have someone to share time with
Someone that we could be happy with, and we can do the same for
But why does it seem like when I get closer to someone I feel myself walking away
I find myself slipping away,
what I would give to be with you
but yet again I’m so scared of you
Your eyes are deadly, your mouth speak words that kill
But when they kiss me they give this venom that taste so sweet,
but leaves an after taste of the past that feels so bitter in my mouth
I’m debating if I should risk my own sanity to be with you
To take a chance
all along I’ve wanted this
Now it seems too close, and I already want to walk away
Because you scare me
I’m scared to fall for you, I find myself wanting to let myself go
I ask you to let go but then I hold on because if I let go I might fall and when I do
I won’t be able to climb out
You’ve lied, you cheat yourself out of bad situations to not explain anything
I know you too well… Because you’re a spitting image of me and knowing myself…
Well let’s just say I’m not consistent, we both get bored easily, we both aren’t fond of feelings, we’re stubborn, introverted individuals,
But yet again I find myself pulling you to change
Why should I?
You should want to, sometimes I see you but then you hide behind a bunch of bullshh
and I know that’s not you
&you know! I know that’s not you
and that scares me…
I fight myself, finding reasoning behind everything
every movement is calculated perfectly
unless you bring a different number into the equation and then I’m left with a different result
I want you, I don’t know why “you” though?
Why someone so similar to me?
It’s destructive, and I’m scared of the outcome
Yet again I want to be obliterated with you, but there’s a doubt that maybe I’ll be the one taking all the hits
You’re best bet is to move on, my best advice is for you to forget me
Leave me alone
because if you don’t I will hurt you
I will leave you empty
and I don’t want you to feel that way
Even though you deserve it
I’d rather warn you now that have you hate me later
When I’m like this, I’d rather be alone
Don’t hold on to me no more
I’m not good at this time
I’m dangerous, and I just need you to leave me
Don’t worry I’ll leave first before you even think of it
I’ll let you do what you want
I just don’t want to be a part of it
So let go, let go of me
You’re better off without me
&I’m so much better without you
So let me do what I need to do to forget you
Goodbye dear friend it was nice knowing you
Its time to let go
Sadness, brings a lot of different things with it.
So I’ll leave the suitcase outside, and hope it doesn’t rain outside
But then again my clothes feel wet, like I just jumped into a pool
I need a break from all this pain
I need something to keep my mind off this feeling
I wanna run off somewhere else, but I’m no one to give up
or run away
Cowards do that, &my mom taught me better than that
I should run forward and go with it, at the end I never asked for this
It’s sad to see that people continue on like nothing happened
Unfortunately that’s how I am, &don’t worry dear I will
&I am strong so I’ll go on like nothing happened, wait… Nothing ever happened!
You never existed!
You’re no one to me, so I’ll take out the garbage and you can keep yours.
Did I say that out loud, oh well!
In the air I feel the change of how things were and are now, I don’t like it
but I will when it passes
It always does, and when it does you’ll feel something
&I hope you cry me a river
Cus its in the air
&I can feel it
So let me be, because I will fly away and you’ll stay
So I’ll let the wind take me where I need to go
Sometimes I think that I will never be happy with just one person, its like I will never get to have that feeling of fullness with someone. There always seems to be someone better looking with better goals, much more interesting, etc. Maybe I’m never going to get over the fact that when you give yourself to one person they have the capability to hurt you. I guess I’m just not willing to let that happen. I don’t mean to make people like me, my nature is to be myself and be kind to others that show me the same thing. But in the process someone ends up hurt. I know that I should be more careful about who I let inside, because its to precious. Sometimes I don’t even know I’m doing it. My best bet is to always warn them so they won’t feel anything for me.
Today I realized that when I don’t talk to someone about feelings it hurts them, he said “I know you don’t like to talk about it, but you’re not giving me anything to work with!” I walked next to him like my mouth was sewn on and I had no way of speaking my mind.
I have gotten so use to not telling anyone how I feel that its gotten harder and harder to voice them. Its sad really, I’m sitting on my desk and I went through situations that have happened and I would say I’m the main cause for it. But when will I stop? I hope one day someone comes along and changes that about me. Even though I have an amazing personality people don’t see everything else, kinda like an iceberg we only see the surface there’s so much more to that iceberg that people miss out on but the water is cold that no one dares to see it. There’s so much more to me than the smiles, and the strong defensive attitude. Unfortunately that’s what I give people, that side of me that is automated but at the same time its me and when that person takes a piece of me they don’t see that all along I was being myself. I try so hard to change their minds that I actually get what I want, I’ve gotten use to that feeling of pushing so far that I stopped caring.
Maybe I’m not any better than this guy I met, he takes every experience and keeps them but just as that “experiences”. Sounds so bland, tasteless, gloomy, unsatisfying to me. I could probably learn something from this person, but once again I tend to push before I get sucked in to something that might be hard to deal with. Who knows? I’m hoping that this two shall pass, and I will be happy with someone that can stand everything I’ll put them through. And to those who couldn’t, I say “I’m sorry!”. I guess it wasn’t meant to be…
Jan 30, 2012- my inspiration was my Halloween costume, what made me want to draw this was the fact that I was missing my mom. I know weird feeling to be drawing a skeleton two different feelings, lol but I wanted to draw her so I didn’t have a choice.
I would say my phone is the only thing aside from my computer that I find as my favorite object. lol
Sometimes I wonder why God gave me this choice to make&then I smile and think to myself that no matter what this is my life&my choice to make something happen to change the bad thoughts in to positive outcomes. I thank everyone for supporting me&accepting this choice&making me feel like I’m making a good choice.